Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
