I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
