It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
