I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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