The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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