I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
We need a shit load of segways right now
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
