god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize
