remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
