I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
