his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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