I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
