I am spending my child support on dildos
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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