So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
