how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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