dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
