So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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