so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
