I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
