She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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