you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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