the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
