A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Send help, water and tortillas.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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