at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
