I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
