he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
