We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
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Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
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I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
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