I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
