even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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