i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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