Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
