And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
