She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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