just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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