when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
