the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
