I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
