you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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