pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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