his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
