wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
