At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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