I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
