Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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