when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
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How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
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holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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