Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
God I need to hump something, right now.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
