I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
