hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
