I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
