i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
