I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
