I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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