Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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