I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
