The best revenge is premature balding
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
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i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
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Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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