Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
