I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
