I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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