I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
